Month: June 2015

20/6/15                                                                             

Greetings.  I went to see the Medical Herbalist a few days ago, the one I spoke of in an earlier blog.  After a two hour appointment, I walked out with a tonic specifically made for me and a prescription only high dose Vitamin C with bioflavanol.  In summary, the Herbalist told me that my diet was deficient in protein and explained what that repercussions of that underneath my skin are.  It is easy to see that what has troubled me for decades may in fact be linked in part at least to my diet, ‘we are what we eat’ has a lot of merit.

For the next 6 months she wants me to eat at least 50g of protein with every meal and she also asked me to cut out alcohol and reduce coffee to a minimum.  One of the things that both do is stimulate and stress the adrenal system and this inhibits the uptake of vitamins and minerals.  So I’ve taken up the challenge, after all… it was my choice to go and see her and spend the money, so it would be a waste of money to now negate her professional wellness advice.  I am on this mission for 6 months and will reassess over-all then.  It’s not easy to just ‘drop’ a habit like coffee and alcohol, so I will watch this space myself with interest.

At the Buddhist Centre on Wednesday night we studied and talked about a particular teaching that revolves around the antidote to anger and aversion.  Anger in this context doesn’t mean full blown outburst where you yell and scream or speak loudly “I’m so angry”, it is more about the many little subtle regular thoughts that are untrained minds are subjected to “damn, I forgot to buy the milk” or “hurry up!!!” (to the slow driver in front of us), or just before when I went to turn my laptop on and it was completely flat battery “damn!”.  These little thoughts on their own may seem harmless enough but added up, may amount to a big lot of dissatisfaction, which we usually don’t like so we work our little butts off to get back to a feeling that we do like (we want to ‘get rid of’ the feeling unsatisfied all the time) and so the problem with attachment goes on and on… ‘I only want to feel good, I don’t want to feel bad’.  From a Buddhist perspective, this is one of the root causes of our suffering…

I’ve had good days (there goes the subtle judgement again) since last post.  I have felt more enthused than I have in a long while, feeling even upbeat sometimes (yeeha).  I am glad I am feeling more refreshed since I came through the difficult times a few weeks ago.  I am most happy about the fact I got through by turning my mind towards the things I know that work and by resting up and relaxing.  I have got some more days off soon from work to fully charge up, plus I’ve got some native plants to plant!

I went for dinner at a friend’s house last night then we went to a pub with the singles group I sometimes go to.  It’s not really my thing anymore, the old pub scene, however it doesn’t hurt to make an effort and put yourself out there sometimes.  It does open life up a bit more and adds to social connection.  There were about 25 of in the group and I chatted with several, some old friends and some I just met last night.  I got home about 10pm (go me!) and even though my social scene has changed so much in recent years (we didn’t used to go OUT until 10pm sometimes!) I am happy (yes I said happy) where I’m at.  It can be pretty tempting to stay in your comfort zone and while I am in love with my comfort zone, I do also go outside it on purpose sometimes because I want to make sure that I can… you never know when life will bring things in that will bring on discomfort, so knowing you’ll be okay ‘even if’ is a good strategy aye.

This weekend I’m off to a Marae to sleepover.  I am studying Te Reo this year at night class.  Since my teenage years, I have always felt a connection with the Maori culture and I’ve always enjoyed being around when the guitars are brought out and the spiritual side of the culture.  So tonight me and my classmates are off to be taught formally about the protocols and why things are done as they are on a Marae.  I will recap my experiences afterwards.  Ka kite ano.

Tiff

14/6/15

I’m feeling really good since I decided to make and share this blog.  These last few days I’ve been happier than I have been in a long time.  I don’t exactly know why that is, there’s nothing specifically changed or happened, it has probably got something to do with my new resolve.  The fact I’ve ‘gone public’ and shared it means I really need to keep it up, I would be embarrassed if I stopped now.

The most poignant thing that I have to share today is that no matter what is going on around you, whether you’re happy, sad, elated, miserable, excited or bored… keep a watch on your mind.  Not in a stressed out, micro-managey type way, but in a relaxed, non-judgey almost third-person type of way.  Our Tibetan Rinpoche often reminds us to let the waters of our mind’s settle, “don’t stir up the water”…  observe and let the thoughts just be the thoughts, don’t buy into them, it will usually just make things harder and increase angst.

It is a good thing for our own well-being to get in the habit of reviewing the types of thoughts that are going through our minds regularly or it is likely they may lead you astray and interfere with your peace.  Attachment, confusion, negativity, envy, stress etc etc…

The Buddha taught it is possible to train our minds so that no matter what is going on for and around us, we have a strong and stable mind, one that doesn’t buy into drama and distress.  Working with my mind is really one of the best things I have ever done.  By giving it quiet time (fancy word = meditation) and space to process it can perform at a level where more positive thoughts come than negative ones.  I meditate and allow my mind to slow down often and this has truly reduced my stress levels and suffering over the years and helped me to manage upsets better.  I’m absolutely sure of that.

Today I went to the markets and I felt great, the sun was shining, I was buying coffee and scones and I browsed and I saw a friend and we had a wee yarn and a laugh and I thought to myself ‘this is great, I feel really great’, and simultaneously I also realised that moment would pass and soon be gone.  I hope no-one finds that morbid, it is not at all intended to sound that way.  In actual fact, having that simultaneous thought helps keep a clearer perspective.

I have been going to Nelson Buddhist Centre for over 5 years now, and while I’m still on a learning curve, I feel about the best I have really.  Sure, i’ve had crap and difficult times here and there, Buddhism has provided me with the best tools for the job though and there has never been a problem that couldn’t be solved or a question that couldn’t be answered and I have certainly asked a few.  For a sensitive and analytical person like me, i’m so glad for it.  Without it, I really suspect that I would get lost at sea when storms come.

No matter what a person’s belief or faith or view point, I think it is true to say that everybody is seeking happiness (or if not, at least reduction of their suffering) on some level.

Tiff

 

12/6/15

I have noticed some little differences in myself since committing to my happiness.  My mind’s-eye is keener, I have caught myself a couple of times feeling a bit down in the mouth, heavy in the belly and I have made conscious effort to get myself away from there, to rephrase my thought or look for a better feeling.  It’s sort of like having a goal keeper on alert to fend off negativity.

Yesterday I went for my first run in about 2 weeks.  It was just for 30 minutes but it was enough to get out in the winter sun and get the endorphins going and blood pumping all around my body.  A thought crossed my mind while I was running in regards to the bit I wrote about ‘not having felt happy for a long time’ and that thought was ‘perhaps I could lower the bar of my expectations’… relax up some more and actively try and let more fun and enjoyment into my life NOW.  I thought that was a good idea.  So I’m trying that.  From now.  Gulp.

I talked at different times with various female friends yesterday about how the last month had been and how I just didn’t want to go on nursing my life that way.  I had got to a point where I had had enough of it.  I had persevered through that stormy month with as much diligence and determination as I could muster, reached out as I needed and had battened down the hatches and gone with it.  In response, my various friends told me they too know the struggles, whether caused by hormonal, seasonal, lifestyle or chemical reasons, they too go through their own stormy waters.  Actually, we all do in our own ways.

There is a thing about sharing that leads to connection between people and that is one reason I am doing this blog for.  If just one person benefits from what is posted here, then it is worthwhile.  And if that one person happens to be me, then that too is awesome.  If you are reading this, please share too if anything comes to mind, this is set up to be a proactive forum generally around the subject of happiness and what it takes to be that.

My Buddhist name given to me by our Tibetan Rinpoche happens to translate to ‘Joyful Perseverance’, he gave me that name 3 years ago and I believed then as I do now it is apt for me.  I’ve always been good at persevering, just the joyful bit wasn’t always there.   I am trying with all my might to drop the negativity malarkey and pick up the happiness gem.  It takes mind training.  Thank Buddha for Buddha I say!

Next week I have booked an appointment with a Medical Herbalist, she has been recommended to me by a friend and I am going with an open mind.  My friend recommends this particular Herbalist as she has been most helpful for helping her with her Endometriosis.  I have experienced massive issues with Endometriosis for more than 20 years, only in the last 4 years have these been diagnosed and addressed.  Before it was diagnosed it was agony and it was hellish.

Last year I witnessed with my own eyes a transformation of someone I know who had a few physical ailments (trouble losing weight and had skin/hair issues), well after seeing a Herbalist for a comprehensive appointment, getting a tonic purpose made for her, those issues improved noticeably and dramatically and that friend was obviously feeling much better.  Who knows, maybe there are imbalances in me that this Herbalist will identify.

Here’s a nice quote I found on hope.  “I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you’re going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you” C. Joybell C.

Best wishes

Tiffany

10/6/15

I am choosing to write a blog that will be the place where I can express myself as I learn how to be happy.  I have decided that it is time for me to be happy, even though I’m not even sure how to be that.  And I don’t know when the last time was that I had regular fun in a way that measured up to my expectations.  Somewhere along the line I seem to have put the kibosh on ‘fun’ and have opted for living a life that is more about satisfaction and comfort instead.  Sometimes I forget though and I can laugh out loud so my eyes wrinkle up and my cheeks are all podgy and my throat opens up and my belly laughs.  Those moments are gold.  Those are the moments I am going to try and cultivate from here. In the last 10 years or so, I have spent a lot of time on and off caring for what is labelled depression and all the things that go with that.  I think I must have unconsciously opted for the middle road of comfort as a result, because its easier there.

The last month or so I have been struggling, I can see it clearly now.  In the past I would say “I feel like I have got depression again”.  And I might look at increasing my very low dose of medication to cover it.  Little tell-tale signs, short tethered, impatient, lacking confidence, overly tired and un-enthused, consumed with little niggly issues, fuzzy head/logic.  Yep, in the past I’d probably say “I’ve got depression again” but over the last year or so I’ve reasoned that it is possible I can find another way to review these feelings, this state, that will get me through better.

I am Buddhist.  I have a strong interest in being true to myself.  Even though in Buddhism we believe there is no inherent ‘self’ in the ‘self’.  we are all made up of compounded factors (our skin, our blood, the oxygen that we breathe, our experiences, our conscious choices etc) there is nothing inherent about the self, it relies on all the elements of it’s human-being-ness to live and experience life.  There are so many practices from Tibetan Buddhists about mind training that help.  I am leaning on those practices more than I have before and seeing  how I go.

This blog is going to be a place where I can explore my efforts and my new emphasis towards being happy, I can share with myself and anyone else interested in my honest efforts.  I hope by putting it ‘online’ I will stay accountable and keep going this way.  It’s a little bit scary.  I would also love it if others post their experiences and stories and things they have found useful in their lives.  This is a blog for proactive living towards happiness and more joy.

Just yesterday I googled ‘Depression + Dalai Lama’ because I wanted to find out what His Holiness had to say about depression from the Buddhist perspective.  There weren’t many posts that matched my search so I put in another Google search ‘Happiness + Dalai Lama’ and guess what, there were heaps of posts.  So I spent the afternoon listening to teachings on Happiness.  I felt better for it.  Comforted.

I have a dear friend who is further ahead in his practice than I am, he is sort of like a teacher to me.  He reminds me often that I have a very real choice on how I’m going to use my mind, that any mind state is a ‘mind over mind’ really.  He reminds me with conviction that I am indeed inherently good (as we all are) and that if I only keep practising the Dharma and training my mind then I will eventually get to a place whereby this habit of mine of dwelling in difficulty when it arises will eventually be over-ruled and so much weakened that it will no longer create problems.

I want this to be a real account of my finding true happiness and joy in my life. After all, I am 42.  Isn’t that the answer to everything???  

End quote:  You can’t be happy and sad at the same time, it is not possible.  So choose to be happy.

Best wishes everyone.
TeVee